I talked to my future daughter-in-law this morning and found out her family was allowed back into their neighborhood late last night. Their house was spared but several of the neighborhood homes were burned to the ground. She told me that all the brush right up to the edge of their property was charred to the ground and several of the oil drums in the area blew up. Since the winds have changed, she thought their home would be okay.
When I talked to her, she told me that she was taking a walk with her mother and that the neighborhood was on lock down because of the looters. Her uncle is a member of the SWAT team and he is checking on them so they feel relatively safe.
For the last three years, I have played Fantasy Sports with my two sons. Max, my oldest son, invited me to play when they needed someone to fill a league (I am sure I was their last pick) and I have continued to play every year since then. Many of the people that work at or attend his gym are in the league so you can imagine how competitive they all are. Most of them have worked in some way or another with professional athletes so they eat, breathe and sleep ball. Our league is through Yahoo, and we play football, basketball and baseball. I only play so I can be involved with Max and Ace as I have plenty of other things that suck my time away. If there is ever a lull in the conversation we can talk about sports. I understand sports but I do not know any of the professional players anymore so I play according to the statistical information available which is usually enough to keep me semi competitive. If you have never played in a fantasy league, I want to tell you I have had a lot of fun and it just takes a few minutes to set a roster for the week. Would I do it if my sons were not in my league? Honestly, no….just one of those things a mother does to stay close to her sons.
I have been thinking about how I hurt my neck. It could have happened at the gym or maybe when I had a violent sneezing jag. It really doesn’t matter. All I know is that I had the worst night’s sleep I have ever had in my life. I could not find a comfortable position and if I relaxed, too much the pain was too intense for me to remain still. It sucked. I watched the fire coverage almost all night. I iced it, iced it, and iced it. Ace is going to drive me to the doctors tomorrow, as I cannot turn my head to the left. I would not want to attempt to drive myself.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Smokey Day
This morning when I woke up, I was physically feeling good. It was early, too early for me to get up, so I went back to bed for a few more winks. When I got back up I could barely move my neck or right arm. Of course, this is a Saturday so I have to wait until Monday to go to the chiropractor. I am not one to run to the doctor but this pain is more than I can take.
I did some stretching and settled down with a cup of coffee and my computer but distraction came in the form of the strong smell of smoke. We have been having Santa Ana winds nearly 70 mph. I grabbed my camera and went outside to see what the sky looked like. I knew the fire would be miles away up in the canyons.
This is about 10:30 am.
I took some ibuprofen, grabbed a few icepacks and headed back to bed. I could not lie down. I could not push through the pain. Eventually, I figured out a way to crawl into my bed and have the icepacks situated so that they were hitting all the hot spots of pain.
The phone rang just as I was beginning to drift off and I could hear a very panicky Natalie wanting to know if I knew where Ace (youngest son) was. Her family home was in the path of the fire and she wanted him to drive his truck to help with the evacuation. She was at work and heading towards her home. I had not talked to Ace but I told her I would track him down. I got up and walked around the corner to see if his truck was there. I knocked loudly on his back door, waking him up and I told him what was going on with the crazy out of control fire.
Ace is studying to be a firefighter. He moved with lightening speed, phone, TV, clothes all simultaneously attending to each. Once he saw the hellish flames on TV, he was out the door and on his way to help his fiancées family. I felt scared when he left and thought about all those families that send their children off to war. That has to be one of the most difficult feelings one can go through. Within minutes, Ace called me and told me it there was smoke and he could see flames in the direction he was heading. I told him to focus on his driving because there would be people driving crazy to get to their homes. He assured me he would keep me in the loop.
I watched TV, Googled maps of the area and I could see that the fire was getting closer to Natalie’s home. I called Ace because I figured they would not be sitting around watching TV. He did not answer but called me right back. He told me that area he was in had not been ordered to evacuate yet.
I went back outside to take a few more pictures and wait.
I went back to watching the live reports on TV. I heard the evacuation zone’s boundaries and my heart sank. I called Ace again and he told me they were loading up the cars and getting out of there. I went outside and inspected the falling ashes.
After Ace got down the hill he called me and gave me a little more of a blow by blow description of what it was like at Natalie’s home. He said conditions changed quickly and when they left her home, the fire was only about a block away. Ace told me that he heard explosion after explosion as he drove away from the area.
It will be interesting to find out his thoughts being a firefighter after seeing first had how fickle fires are, and that they take whatever they want along their destructive path.
Here is the sun at about 2pm. No more blue skies.
The news reports there is no water pressure up there. System design failure. That is a very difficult concept to understand. The winds are not dying down and the region is dry. People are in a panic, overcome with smoke, abandoning their cars on the freeways.
Ace is safe. I don’t know if Natalie’s family home made it unscathed or not. I will have to report on that later as I need to lie down now.
I did some stretching and settled down with a cup of coffee and my computer but distraction came in the form of the strong smell of smoke. We have been having Santa Ana winds nearly 70 mph. I grabbed my camera and went outside to see what the sky looked like. I knew the fire would be miles away up in the canyons.
This is about 10:30 am.
I took some ibuprofen, grabbed a few icepacks and headed back to bed. I could not lie down. I could not push through the pain. Eventually, I figured out a way to crawl into my bed and have the icepacks situated so that they were hitting all the hot spots of pain.
The phone rang just as I was beginning to drift off and I could hear a very panicky Natalie wanting to know if I knew where Ace (youngest son) was. Her family home was in the path of the fire and she wanted him to drive his truck to help with the evacuation. She was at work and heading towards her home. I had not talked to Ace but I told her I would track him down. I got up and walked around the corner to see if his truck was there. I knocked loudly on his back door, waking him up and I told him what was going on with the crazy out of control fire.
Ace is studying to be a firefighter. He moved with lightening speed, phone, TV, clothes all simultaneously attending to each. Once he saw the hellish flames on TV, he was out the door and on his way to help his fiancées family. I felt scared when he left and thought about all those families that send their children off to war. That has to be one of the most difficult feelings one can go through. Within minutes, Ace called me and told me it there was smoke and he could see flames in the direction he was heading. I told him to focus on his driving because there would be people driving crazy to get to their homes. He assured me he would keep me in the loop.
I watched TV, Googled maps of the area and I could see that the fire was getting closer to Natalie’s home. I called Ace because I figured they would not be sitting around watching TV. He did not answer but called me right back. He told me that area he was in had not been ordered to evacuate yet.
I went back outside to take a few more pictures and wait.
I went back to watching the live reports on TV. I heard the evacuation zone’s boundaries and my heart sank. I called Ace again and he told me they were loading up the cars and getting out of there. I went outside and inspected the falling ashes.
After Ace got down the hill he called me and gave me a little more of a blow by blow description of what it was like at Natalie’s home. He said conditions changed quickly and when they left her home, the fire was only about a block away. Ace told me that he heard explosion after explosion as he drove away from the area.
It will be interesting to find out his thoughts being a firefighter after seeing first had how fickle fires are, and that they take whatever they want along their destructive path.
Here is the sun at about 2pm. No more blue skies.
The news reports there is no water pressure up there. System design failure. That is a very difficult concept to understand. The winds are not dying down and the region is dry. People are in a panic, overcome with smoke, abandoning their cars on the freeways.
Ace is safe. I don’t know if Natalie’s family home made it unscathed or not. I will have to report on that later as I need to lie down now.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Days Turn Into Weeks
The older we become the faster time seems to go by. I never seem to have enough time to do what needs to be done. Hours seem like minutes.
I never realized how busy I have become lately until I finally sit down to write something to add to my blog. I have time to read others blogs and leave comments but to finish a story seems almost impossible with all the other priorities I have. I have no less than five drafts about different things I wanted to share. I get so many interruptions and it could be hours before I get back to blogging. Sometimes I am just to tired to make much sense.
Tess had a couple of doctor’s appointments last week and with that came a slew of referrals. I am grateful that with this new insurance program she will finally get some of the medical assistance she so desperately needs. She is scared because she knows that means several different surgeries and months of physical therapy. As I know more about what she is facing I will post about it.
I went to the gym five times this past week. I made a commitment to myself to loose 50 lbs in six months. My eating is out of control and I am not practicing any kind of will power. Luckily, I don’t buy sweets but I still eat too much. I am hoping that I quit self-sabotaging really sucks. I have really only dieted once in my life and although I was successful I did it with a special friend and this time I am on my own. I am struggling and so Curves is where I am beginning to feel supported.
My caregivers support group is over this next week. It was a small group of only nine participants. The facilitators were well prepared with tips on how to take care of ourselves while we are care giving. It is not uncommon for caregivers to put themselves last. The facilitators always brought the focus back on us and off the loved one we are taking care of. The group members made a weekly individual action plan and were accountable the next week for what we planned for ourselves. Several weeks my plan was to exercise. I am concerned I will not be as committed since I won’t have the group. All I can think of is to be accountable here.
My personal therapy is a good reminder to do things that bring me joy. Most Friday evening I go to dinner with my long time best friend. That brings me joy. Okay, sometimes it is bittersweet because I wish Tess were able to go out occasionally. I love going out with my BFF and Tess wants me to do anything I can to enjoy myself. One day I will write about my BFF and if she gives me permission, I will tell her story of family abandonment because of her sexuality.
I took Tess to a nice lunch after one of her doctor’s appointments. I am not sure she even enjoyed one minute of it, as it was such a fiasco getting her in and out of the car and using the bathroom. Most movement triggers her pain. On top of that, the whole thing is so reminiscent of my mother’s failing health that it is eerie for me at times. Before my mother died, she was in a lot of pain when she walked too. When I take Tess out she uses a wheel chair, at home she uses a walker.
I feel like I just babbled but I wanted to write something before another week comes and goes.
Be good to yourself.
Yes We Can!
Rose
I never realized how busy I have become lately until I finally sit down to write something to add to my blog. I have time to read others blogs and leave comments but to finish a story seems almost impossible with all the other priorities I have. I have no less than five drafts about different things I wanted to share. I get so many interruptions and it could be hours before I get back to blogging. Sometimes I am just to tired to make much sense.
Tess had a couple of doctor’s appointments last week and with that came a slew of referrals. I am grateful that with this new insurance program she will finally get some of the medical assistance she so desperately needs. She is scared because she knows that means several different surgeries and months of physical therapy. As I know more about what she is facing I will post about it.
I went to the gym five times this past week. I made a commitment to myself to loose 50 lbs in six months. My eating is out of control and I am not practicing any kind of will power. Luckily, I don’t buy sweets but I still eat too much. I am hoping that I quit self-sabotaging really sucks. I have really only dieted once in my life and although I was successful I did it with a special friend and this time I am on my own. I am struggling and so Curves is where I am beginning to feel supported.
My caregivers support group is over this next week. It was a small group of only nine participants. The facilitators were well prepared with tips on how to take care of ourselves while we are care giving. It is not uncommon for caregivers to put themselves last. The facilitators always brought the focus back on us and off the loved one we are taking care of. The group members made a weekly individual action plan and were accountable the next week for what we planned for ourselves. Several weeks my plan was to exercise. I am concerned I will not be as committed since I won’t have the group. All I can think of is to be accountable here.
My personal therapy is a good reminder to do things that bring me joy. Most Friday evening I go to dinner with my long time best friend. That brings me joy. Okay, sometimes it is bittersweet because I wish Tess were able to go out occasionally. I love going out with my BFF and Tess wants me to do anything I can to enjoy myself. One day I will write about my BFF and if she gives me permission, I will tell her story of family abandonment because of her sexuality.
I took Tess to a nice lunch after one of her doctor’s appointments. I am not sure she even enjoyed one minute of it, as it was such a fiasco getting her in and out of the car and using the bathroom. Most movement triggers her pain. On top of that, the whole thing is so reminiscent of my mother’s failing health that it is eerie for me at times. Before my mother died, she was in a lot of pain when she walked too. When I take Tess out she uses a wheel chair, at home she uses a walker.
I feel like I just babbled but I wanted to write something before another week comes and goes.
Be good to yourself.
Yes We Can!
Rose
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Why did you start blogging? Part Two
Picking up where I left off last week:
I read two blogs for about a year. That was really all I made time for and they were enough to give me an escape from my day-to-day life. I did so miss the country. I never considered having my own blog at that time. Eventually I clicked on a link that led me to a female artist’s blog. JudithHeartsong Not only did I think her art was fun and whimsical but in that blog I found a strong woman who had left an abusive husband and now lived with her soul mate. My gaydar spiked, and yes, I was right. Now blogging was getting interesting I was starting to find my people.
She told her story of starting over and leaving her abusive past where it belonged. By then, I was thinking of having my own blog. I started a journal on AOL. I invited my family members and friends to view it. I found myself posting things like flowers in my yard. For a variety of reasons, I did not want to blog about my personal life. Maybe it was because I had connected it to my email address and I did not want to be so visible to people I had worked with. Nonetheless, my AOL blog was boring and thank God, AOL closed all their journals a couple of days ago.
Back to the artsy blog….One month she posted a contest, she was having so that her readers could share their creative minds. I did not enter as I do not consider myself an artist and certainly, I could not write like those who entered the contests. The next month, another contest, I did not enter , and so on until one day, she had a contest about vegetables (and if we considered tomatoes a vegetable, we could enter something artistic about them). OMG I had something to enter so I entered a clip I made that featured my cat, Digit and a tomato. To my surprise, I won.
I wish Judith would begin her contests again. They were fun to think about and read.
Here is my artsy award:
I read two blogs for about a year. That was really all I made time for and they were enough to give me an escape from my day-to-day life. I did so miss the country. I never considered having my own blog at that time. Eventually I clicked on a link that led me to a female artist’s blog. JudithHeartsong Not only did I think her art was fun and whimsical but in that blog I found a strong woman who had left an abusive husband and now lived with her soul mate. My gaydar spiked, and yes, I was right. Now blogging was getting interesting I was starting to find my people.
She told her story of starting over and leaving her abusive past where it belonged. By then, I was thinking of having my own blog. I started a journal on AOL. I invited my family members and friends to view it. I found myself posting things like flowers in my yard. For a variety of reasons, I did not want to blog about my personal life. Maybe it was because I had connected it to my email address and I did not want to be so visible to people I had worked with. Nonetheless, my AOL blog was boring and thank God, AOL closed all their journals a couple of days ago.
Back to the artsy blog….One month she posted a contest, she was having so that her readers could share their creative minds. I did not enter as I do not consider myself an artist and certainly, I could not write like those who entered the contests. The next month, another contest, I did not enter , and so on until one day, she had a contest about vegetables (and if we considered tomatoes a vegetable, we could enter something artistic about them). OMG I had something to enter so I entered a clip I made that featured my cat, Digit and a tomato. To my surprise, I won.
I wish Judith would begin her contests again. They were fun to think about and read.
Here is my artsy award:
I began clicking on blog lists on each site I was reading and eventually I had found more of my people. Women who loved women and wrote about it, I was hooked on several sites and little by little, more fun blog reads were added. I am not sure if Pioneer Woman’s site lead me to Doc's Sunrise Rants or if I found Hahn at Homefirst but I love to read the everyday thoughts of these two women who are not afraid to speak their minds. I learned words like asshat and f*cktard from Doc. Even then, with my new vocabulary words I still did not start a blog. I was just about as depressed as one could get and reading the blogs was the highlight of my day.
Eventually I began reading BearsMountain. I remembered the struggle I had leaving my 14 year marriage and upsetting my son’s lives. I remembered how exciting my first relationship with a woman was. I was only 16, she was 17 and it was as if we found each other at the perfect times in our lives. Our relationship only lasted the summer between my junior and senior year (she went away to college) but I will never forget how much we needed each other that summer. We were both only children and we seemed to fill an emptiness that made us complete. More about this later…perhaps. It was a good summer.
Old Crone (BearsMountain) wrote something about how in real life she never had as many people that related to her as she did online. I could see from her comments that others were supporting her and the difficult decisions she is trying to make. I wish blogging were something that was available 40 years ago because I think it would have saved me a lot of pain, and just maybe, I would have been able to find more of my people. I felt so unsupported back then.
To be continued...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Why did you start blogging?
That is not a particularly easy question for me to answer but I am going to give it a shot. Bare with me as I been around the internet a long time. I will do my best to connect the dots. I think all the blogs I refer to are on my side bar.
Here is the original post that asks the question. http://donna-justme.blogspot.com/2008/10/why-did-you-start-blogging.html
Picture this, eBay, early 1998. They had chat boards and discussion boards on various subjects relating to your interests. The chat board where I participated was chucked full of the brightest most opinionated people I ever had the pleasure to read. For the most part, I learned more from that board than I did my entire college education. It was like a crash course in reality. Mostly well-read posters from all over the United States and we were instantly communicating. It was a novel experience for most of us. For some it pre-dated IMing.
There was always someone who was an expert on this or that and more than willing to share everything they knew about their specialty. Many knew a lot about a wide range of topics. It was an interesting place to spend time. I do not care what you wanted to know, these chatter’s were researching maniacs. Whatever happened in our lives that chat board was constant. It was a daily priority to read and for the most part, it was usually a supportive and safe place to post. I am sure many good close friendships began there. I met an old- time poster for lunch last month. I introduced her to Thai Food and of course, she liked it. Well, what’s not to like?
Over the years, I have continued to check in there especially whenever anything interesting happens in the real world and sometimes I check in ‘just because’. Everyone was going through something different and yet we were all connected by a common interest. I knew that board was a microcosm of the real world and I thought it fascinating to read. Whenever there were tornadoes, flooding, hurricanes, snowstorms, fires, politics, 911, etc, we all were anxious to hear from those we knew could be in harms way. There are a lot of us old time posters that still lurk even if we do not actively post. That particular chat board will probably always be one that I read for the rest of my life.
Anyway, a few years ago someone that eBay chat board posted a link to a blog, My Country Life. I had just returned home from a year in NY where I lived in the country and I was yearning for new of the country life. Besides I had learned to click on all the links anyone posted because there was usually something really kewl. (Or is it cool? How are we spelling it now?)
Donna, at My Country Life (Just Me on blogger-posted on my sidebar) was the first blog that I read. I like what I read. Donna tells it like it is. I like her attitude; she is down to earth, married to a great guy who is her true soul mate. No drama. She and her hubby ride a sweet looking motorcycle and she takes me on many photoblog vacations. Once she posted pictures of a church, she attended that where everyone rode Harley Davidson’s. Her husband, Cliff loves tractors and can build anything. She has a milk cow named Secret and a bull named Meatloaf. On the corner of her country acreage Cliff built a small cabin for her as a private retreat that she sleeps overnight at whenever she want more peace of mind and quite.
She is good people, has a PhD in Common Sense, I respect her. Shit, she had even successfully lost weight and lowered her cholesterol, things I have not mastered. Do I romanticize her life? You bet your I do. I live in an asphalt jungle. I miss the country.
I sometimes would read other blogs off her blog list but then she went and posted Pioneer Woman’s blog link. I was beginning to see blogging in a new light. Ree took blogging to a new level. Coincidentally, when I was a child I wanted to grow up and be a cowgirl. Now, here is this blog about living on a cattle ranch. Wow…that will stretch a city girls mind. I am sure anyone who reads this entry already knows of Ree. I remember when she would only have a handful of comments and now there are often over 10,000. I want to win a $500 gift card to Home Depot so I can get sprinklers for my yard. What a pain in the ass it is to have to drag around a hose. I know Ree gets it. She wants life to be easier. If she knew how much I like a nice yard and how much easier my life would be if I had sprinklers she would pick me to win that $500.
It took me a while but I was beginning to realize that blogging was the future. I needed to blog, I knew it, but I got in my own way. Isn’t that what we all do? I mind f*ked myself. I didn’t think I would blog good enough, have anything interesting to share, and I really didn’t want anyone I knew to know how screwed up I was feeling, but I did NOT know that when I started my first blog. I did not want anyone to disagree with me or confront me or any other ridiculous thing you could imagine; I did not want to feel criticized. All my old negative childhood tapes were playing in my head. I was really down on my game. I only posted three times and I let my first blog die a quick death. I only shared benign safe things anyway. It was a waste of my cyberspace but I learned the lesson. Looking back on that timeframe, I now know that I was trying to heal from several major losses and was not ready to risk my feelings in such a visible arena. I was barely holding it together and Tess was in worse condition than I was.
I felt like I could barely take care of myself and on top of everything I was being thrown into a care-giving role for Tess. Our roles were all blurred. Life was changing and I had NO control of it. I was isolating myself and my world became very small. When I could not do anything else because I was so depressed and scared I began reading other blogs. People died. I cried. More losses! Their deaths affected me and I had not even ever met them but I knew them. They were not afraid and they wrote about their fears. They were real. They were dying and I was gaining strength from their journey. They were teaching me how to live by sharing their death process. There were several brave Warriors that I will always admire and remember. They had become part of my life and I wish they had not lost the fight I miss them. These deaths empowered my life.
I have to do this in parts…but as you can guess, I think real life is more interesting than TV or Books.
To be continued………
Here is the original post that asks the question. http://donna-justme.blogspot.com/2008/10/why-did-you-start-blogging.html
Picture this, eBay, early 1998. They had chat boards and discussion boards on various subjects relating to your interests. The chat board where I participated was chucked full of the brightest most opinionated people I ever had the pleasure to read. For the most part, I learned more from that board than I did my entire college education. It was like a crash course in reality. Mostly well-read posters from all over the United States and we were instantly communicating. It was a novel experience for most of us. For some it pre-dated IMing.
There was always someone who was an expert on this or that and more than willing to share everything they knew about their specialty. Many knew a lot about a wide range of topics. It was an interesting place to spend time. I do not care what you wanted to know, these chatter’s were researching maniacs. Whatever happened in our lives that chat board was constant. It was a daily priority to read and for the most part, it was usually a supportive and safe place to post. I am sure many good close friendships began there. I met an old- time poster for lunch last month. I introduced her to Thai Food and of course, she liked it. Well, what’s not to like?
Over the years, I have continued to check in there especially whenever anything interesting happens in the real world and sometimes I check in ‘just because’. Everyone was going through something different and yet we were all connected by a common interest. I knew that board was a microcosm of the real world and I thought it fascinating to read. Whenever there were tornadoes, flooding, hurricanes, snowstorms, fires, politics, 911, etc, we all were anxious to hear from those we knew could be in harms way. There are a lot of us old time posters that still lurk even if we do not actively post. That particular chat board will probably always be one that I read for the rest of my life.
Anyway, a few years ago someone that eBay chat board posted a link to a blog, My Country Life. I had just returned home from a year in NY where I lived in the country and I was yearning for new of the country life. Besides I had learned to click on all the links anyone posted because there was usually something really kewl. (Or is it cool? How are we spelling it now?)
Donna, at My Country Life (Just Me on blogger-posted on my sidebar) was the first blog that I read. I like what I read. Donna tells it like it is. I like her attitude; she is down to earth, married to a great guy who is her true soul mate. No drama. She and her hubby ride a sweet looking motorcycle and she takes me on many photoblog vacations. Once she posted pictures of a church, she attended that where everyone rode Harley Davidson’s. Her husband, Cliff loves tractors and can build anything. She has a milk cow named Secret and a bull named Meatloaf. On the corner of her country acreage Cliff built a small cabin for her as a private retreat that she sleeps overnight at whenever she want more peace of mind and quite.
She is good people, has a PhD in Common Sense, I respect her. Shit, she had even successfully lost weight and lowered her cholesterol, things I have not mastered. Do I romanticize her life? You bet your I do. I live in an asphalt jungle. I miss the country.
I sometimes would read other blogs off her blog list but then she went and posted Pioneer Woman’s blog link. I was beginning to see blogging in a new light. Ree took blogging to a new level. Coincidentally, when I was a child I wanted to grow up and be a cowgirl. Now, here is this blog about living on a cattle ranch. Wow…that will stretch a city girls mind. I am sure anyone who reads this entry already knows of Ree. I remember when she would only have a handful of comments and now there are often over 10,000. I want to win a $500 gift card to Home Depot so I can get sprinklers for my yard. What a pain in the ass it is to have to drag around a hose. I know Ree gets it. She wants life to be easier. If she knew how much I like a nice yard and how much easier my life would be if I had sprinklers she would pick me to win that $500.
It took me a while but I was beginning to realize that blogging was the future. I needed to blog, I knew it, but I got in my own way. Isn’t that what we all do? I mind f*ked myself. I didn’t think I would blog good enough, have anything interesting to share, and I really didn’t want anyone I knew to know how screwed up I was feeling, but I did NOT know that when I started my first blog. I did not want anyone to disagree with me or confront me or any other ridiculous thing you could imagine; I did not want to feel criticized. All my old negative childhood tapes were playing in my head. I was really down on my game. I only posted three times and I let my first blog die a quick death. I only shared benign safe things anyway. It was a waste of my cyberspace but I learned the lesson. Looking back on that timeframe, I now know that I was trying to heal from several major losses and was not ready to risk my feelings in such a visible arena. I was barely holding it together and Tess was in worse condition than I was.
I felt like I could barely take care of myself and on top of everything I was being thrown into a care-giving role for Tess. Our roles were all blurred. Life was changing and I had NO control of it. I was isolating myself and my world became very small. When I could not do anything else because I was so depressed and scared I began reading other blogs. People died. I cried. More losses! Their deaths affected me and I had not even ever met them but I knew them. They were not afraid and they wrote about their fears. They were real. They were dying and I was gaining strength from their journey. They were teaching me how to live by sharing their death process. There were several brave Warriors that I will always admire and remember. They had become part of my life and I wish they had not lost the fight I miss them. These deaths empowered my life.
I have to do this in parts…but as you can guess, I think real life is more interesting than TV or Books.
To be continued………
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Life is full of Curves
Things are happening. A lot of changes! Way too many to write about now. When I started this blog a couple of months ago I knew there were changes in the making and this blog would be a place I could write about whatever I felt comfortable sharing. I never factored in that there would be so many things that would eat up my blogging time. Where to begin?
With all the different stressors I have been coping with lately I decided to go back into personal therapy with a therapist whose specialty is working with caregivers. My first session was last week. My homework was to figure out what gives me joy. I have jotted a few things down but I am searching for more. I need more joy in my life.
I also am attending a caregiver's group. I have attended two group meetings so far and I admit it has been interesting and I feel good being out and about more. My homework for group was to blog before the next meeting.
My son’s gave me a membership to Curves for my birthday. I love it. I go everyday they are open and enjoy the workout. At first I was a bit self-conscious but now I don’t care what anybody thinks. I am pushing myself while I am there and my body feels alive.
Now here is the thing about Curves. It is all women. NO PROBLEM for me. It may not be PC for me to love the fact that no men are allowed but I do. I love the energy. I love the support. I love the challenges. I love the way it is always clean. I love the music. I love the women. I love the workout.
All this loving to workout is a little out of character for me and then, all of a sudden, I eyed the posters on the wall and I knew why I felt so at home.
Is it just me? Do you see what I see? All I know for sure is that I want to thank the art department down at Curve’s headquarters for making me feel so comfortable. I love thata there are posters hanging on the wall that give me permission to play. I wonder what they mean by play? Hummmmm.
With all the different stressors I have been coping with lately I decided to go back into personal therapy with a therapist whose specialty is working with caregivers. My first session was last week. My homework was to figure out what gives me joy. I have jotted a few things down but I am searching for more. I need more joy in my life.
I also am attending a caregiver's group. I have attended two group meetings so far and I admit it has been interesting and I feel good being out and about more. My homework for group was to blog before the next meeting.
My son’s gave me a membership to Curves for my birthday. I love it. I go everyday they are open and enjoy the workout. At first I was a bit self-conscious but now I don’t care what anybody thinks. I am pushing myself while I am there and my body feels alive.
Now here is the thing about Curves. It is all women. NO PROBLEM for me. It may not be PC for me to love the fact that no men are allowed but I do. I love the energy. I love the support. I love the challenges. I love the way it is always clean. I love the music. I love the women. I love the workout.
All this loving to workout is a little out of character for me and then, all of a sudden, I eyed the posters on the wall and I knew why I felt so at home.
Is it just me? Do you see what I see? All I know for sure is that I want to thank the art department down at Curve’s headquarters for making me feel so comfortable. I love thata there are posters hanging on the wall that give me permission to play. I wonder what they mean by play? Hummmmm.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Whew....I am tired
I did not know the effect writing my previous post would have on me. It opened up a wound that I thought had healed a while back. Wrong. I had only addressed the surface feelings and now I have fallen into the deeper, letting go type of feelings. Somehow, these feel more real, more sadness less anger and panic. My mind has been reeling, and I have jumped from project to project. I am so overwhelmed I am having a hard time not just giving in to a long nap. I consciously resist napping several times throughout the day. I keep telling myself to stay busy and get my life in order. My normal level of procrastination is no longer working for me and I am pulled into the here and now where my past is crashing into my present and if I want my future to be less chaotic then I need to keep moving forward.
As I see it, being an only child has few benefits. I am sure some might think it a blessing not to be pestered by siblings, I will never know. I told my mother once that it was hell being an only child. She seemed shocked that I would have felt that way. She was a difficult person to please, very needy and it would have been nice to share the focus of her wrath occasionally. Even in the good times, I was on hyper-alert waiting for the other shoe to drop. I learned to hate my own name because of the way she screamed it.
When it comes to immediate family, my childhood frame of reference is quite small and included my grandma, mother and me. My grandmother and mother have both left this world so that just leaves me. I do have a few distant relatives out there but less than a handful of us are in occasional contact and then only via emails. Although I have a history of doing many things by myself, I really do enjoy the companionship of another person more than being alone or doing something by myself. I do have some dear lifelong friends and we see each other as often as our schedules permit, which is never enough. Great source of support for me but I still have way too much alone time on my hands. The care giving I do for Tess also makes my world seem a little smaller.
Where is this going? What am I trying to convey? What is the point? How do the three previous paragraphs connect? First, I wanted to empty my thoughts so when I get up from here and go back to my previous project I will be the tabula rasa, clear minded so I can learn as I go and not be hindered with my racing thoughts. Second, I have still been trying to please my mother even though she is dead. That crap stops now. Last, I got the bulk of my parent’s worldly possessions and I have been dealing with it for nearly 7 years, I am tired and I want my own life back. All the spinning in circles I feel like I am doing has to stop, I am forcing myself to get on a schedule to attend to all these projects.
Here is the good part. My mother collected a lot of fun and beautiful things and so I am enjoying going through and looking them, and although some of my memories are fond, I don’t want to hang onto all of her things. I only want to keep a few of the things I really like. My stepfather had some cool stuff too. Old stuff. Interesting stuff. Things that I just want to have as memories now. I keep asking my sons if they want any of their grandpa’s stuff, so far I am still in possession of it. It may not seem like it but alas, I have a plan. Back to the grind.
Rose
As I see it, being an only child has few benefits. I am sure some might think it a blessing not to be pestered by siblings, I will never know. I told my mother once that it was hell being an only child. She seemed shocked that I would have felt that way. She was a difficult person to please, very needy and it would have been nice to share the focus of her wrath occasionally. Even in the good times, I was on hyper-alert waiting for the other shoe to drop. I learned to hate my own name because of the way she screamed it.
When it comes to immediate family, my childhood frame of reference is quite small and included my grandma, mother and me. My grandmother and mother have both left this world so that just leaves me. I do have a few distant relatives out there but less than a handful of us are in occasional contact and then only via emails. Although I have a history of doing many things by myself, I really do enjoy the companionship of another person more than being alone or doing something by myself. I do have some dear lifelong friends and we see each other as often as our schedules permit, which is never enough. Great source of support for me but I still have way too much alone time on my hands. The care giving I do for Tess also makes my world seem a little smaller.
Where is this going? What am I trying to convey? What is the point? How do the three previous paragraphs connect? First, I wanted to empty my thoughts so when I get up from here and go back to my previous project I will be the tabula rasa, clear minded so I can learn as I go and not be hindered with my racing thoughts. Second, I have still been trying to please my mother even though she is dead. That crap stops now. Last, I got the bulk of my parent’s worldly possessions and I have been dealing with it for nearly 7 years, I am tired and I want my own life back. All the spinning in circles I feel like I am doing has to stop, I am forcing myself to get on a schedule to attend to all these projects.
Here is the good part. My mother collected a lot of fun and beautiful things and so I am enjoying going through and looking them, and although some of my memories are fond, I don’t want to hang onto all of her things. I only want to keep a few of the things I really like. My stepfather had some cool stuff too. Old stuff. Interesting stuff. Things that I just want to have as memories now. I keep asking my sons if they want any of their grandpa’s stuff, so far I am still in possession of it. It may not seem like it but alas, I have a plan. Back to the grind.
Rose
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