This is what is happening...........

I have avoided my reality for a while here in blog land. Sometimes it is just easier not to write about it and keep it locked inside hoping it will change for the better and I can write about things like Disneyland. That is not what seems to be going on. This is what is happening now.

I am watching Tess’s body break down. You know when you live with someone you don’t always notice the gradual physical changes the other person is having right away. Like when a person is dieting and looses a lot of weight. The changes may not be that obvious to those who have daily exposure to the dieter but when they do see them in a new tighter outfit, whew, the changes are obvious.

Tess has always been a full figured woman. Very Rubenesque in her appearance. She never seriously dieted so when she began loosing weight we both felt it was great as it medically would be good for her body. Now, she has lost over 120 lbs and I feel so sad about it. She has not been dieting but rather nausea has caused her not to be interested in food. Medication will do that, you know?

We are still in a waiting mode. My patience is running thin. We are waiting to see a new doctor. A Pulmonolgist. It seems as though there is still something else wrong with her body. Her body is seizing up on her. Everyday she has less mobility and recently she is beginning to look really frail to me.

Her need for my care is increasing. Making a simple sandwich takes all her strength. She tries, she wants to do for herself, just as we all do. She no longer can do it all. It is difficult for her to ask for help. She uses a walker when we are home and a wheelchair if we are out of the house. Every step she takes causes her face to grimace and the air around us fills with sounds of pain. Oh, the sounds of pain eat at me and cause me to detach from the reality of what is happening to her, to us, to me.

Someone told me that denial is not such a bad place to be. It’s not if you are not there too long. I didn’t realize how much denial or avoidance I was in until the other night when I reached over to touch Tess and tell her good night. I wanted it to be like old times. I wanted to be close and feel connected and when I touched her all I could feel was thin skin and bone. The forearm bone shocked me but the rib cage stopped me, just froze me in the moment. I laid there stock still, my eyes began to tingle, all those feelings I have been avoiding came rushing in. I began sobbing and sobbing. It was as if my reality was crashing in on me.

And what does my dear sweet Tess do? She wants to hold me just like she used to do. It didn’t seem right. I am healthy, strong, pain free; I should be the holder and not the one being held. I know it really doesn’t matter who holds who just as long as we are there for each other. I know this deep in my heart. It is as it has always been between us. We are there for each other.

I may blog more about this process in the weeks to come. My one escape has been the exercise regime I have kept to. While Tess is sleeping, I go to the gym and workout. The women down at the club are loving and caring. They know what is happening in my life and are there for me in so many ways. I am touched by their kindness. Today, I had a complete meltdown in the middle of my routine. Ironically, as Tess gets physically weaker I am getting physically stronger. I am overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life now.