Robin is an ex client who was transfered to the midwest several months ago. She emailed me asking about a site that helps you set goals(for profit). Here is my response to her. After I wrote the email I thought it partially answered the question "Why Did You Start Blogging" that I addressed back in October and November. I have a few more reasons and will write about them in the coming months. Maybe.
Hi Robin,
No. I have never seen that site before. I looked at it and it is structured like a MasterMinding group...it could be powerful if you do it. That seems to be the problem with people...they start something and do not finish it or they want something and they stop before they get it.
Are you looking for support? Or accountability? Goal setting and keeping goals requires both for some people.
Along those same lines of getting on track and staying on it..., I started a blog and I like that process. I write about whatever happens to come out when I sit down to type. I have found that if I plan something too much I tend to avoid it for a various reasons. So for me, it is just more openness to the process of blogging. When I first went into the field of psychology, I remember this type of communicating being referred to as a, "stream of consciousness.” I just start typing and have no idea where it will lead me. I can’t edit too much or I would never write anything either. I have learned a lot about myself through blogging.
I am surprised that anyone reads my blog but there are people that do. I feel supported from people out there and I give support right back, not always the same people involved in the exchanges but neither is it that way in real life. I doubt I will ever meet anyone who's blog I follow or anyone who follows mine, although, as we know, anything is possible. One thing is for sure, they all seem like incredible people who write much better than I do.
I am honest with my feelings and I think that is what makes blogging so rewarding. At first, it was hard to share anything that made me feel vulnerable but I have now written from the centermost part of my being and felt relieved to have a place to share those deep feelings. Clicking ‘publish’ can be powerful in many ways too. I have never felt judged by anyone out there. It is a place to sort through feelings. Actually, it is like free therapy- you know all the answers are inside don’t you?
Blogging takes effort and I find it to be an interesting exchange of energy. It is what works in my life right now. I write about whatever suits me for the day...affirmations, care giving, being in a relationship, my mother, being a lesbian, being me, being honest. I try not to put any pressure on myself about blogging either. I have my own built in filters and am well aware of the risks. I choose to risk rather than not help myself with what the Universe has provided. I hope you don't think me condescending to mention quietly that we are all living our own soap opera, comedy, drama, all the time anyway, so why not be real with it? Blogging has become part of the life adventure for me.
I have to admit, I am more of a reader than a writer but there is definitely a connecting the dots thing that happens in cyberspace. You know that I believe all of us are both teachers and students to each other in all of our relationships. People are so interesting and have such varied viewpoints on any given subject. I have some fabulous teachers. Anything at all in the whole world you are interested in, I guarantee you that, there is blog about it and it not there will be one soon. Like attacks like you know. We all have something to contribute.
Hope I didn’t overload you.
Rose
What do you think is the best part of blogging?
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Why did you start blogging? Part Two
Picking up where I left off last week:
I read two blogs for about a year. That was really all I made time for and they were enough to give me an escape from my day-to-day life. I did so miss the country. I never considered having my own blog at that time. Eventually I clicked on a link that led me to a female artist’s blog. JudithHeartsong Not only did I think her art was fun and whimsical but in that blog I found a strong woman who had left an abusive husband and now lived with her soul mate. My gaydar spiked, and yes, I was right. Now blogging was getting interesting I was starting to find my people.
She told her story of starting over and leaving her abusive past where it belonged. By then, I was thinking of having my own blog. I started a journal on AOL. I invited my family members and friends to view it. I found myself posting things like flowers in my yard. For a variety of reasons, I did not want to blog about my personal life. Maybe it was because I had connected it to my email address and I did not want to be so visible to people I had worked with. Nonetheless, my AOL blog was boring and thank God, AOL closed all their journals a couple of days ago.
Back to the artsy blog….One month she posted a contest, she was having so that her readers could share their creative minds. I did not enter as I do not consider myself an artist and certainly, I could not write like those who entered the contests. The next month, another contest, I did not enter , and so on until one day, she had a contest about vegetables (and if we considered tomatoes a vegetable, we could enter something artistic about them). OMG I had something to enter so I entered a clip I made that featured my cat, Digit and a tomato. To my surprise, I won.
I wish Judith would begin her contests again. They were fun to think about and read.
Here is my artsy award:
I read two blogs for about a year. That was really all I made time for and they were enough to give me an escape from my day-to-day life. I did so miss the country. I never considered having my own blog at that time. Eventually I clicked on a link that led me to a female artist’s blog. JudithHeartsong Not only did I think her art was fun and whimsical but in that blog I found a strong woman who had left an abusive husband and now lived with her soul mate. My gaydar spiked, and yes, I was right. Now blogging was getting interesting I was starting to find my people.
She told her story of starting over and leaving her abusive past where it belonged. By then, I was thinking of having my own blog. I started a journal on AOL. I invited my family members and friends to view it. I found myself posting things like flowers in my yard. For a variety of reasons, I did not want to blog about my personal life. Maybe it was because I had connected it to my email address and I did not want to be so visible to people I had worked with. Nonetheless, my AOL blog was boring and thank God, AOL closed all their journals a couple of days ago.
Back to the artsy blog….One month she posted a contest, she was having so that her readers could share their creative minds. I did not enter as I do not consider myself an artist and certainly, I could not write like those who entered the contests. The next month, another contest, I did not enter , and so on until one day, she had a contest about vegetables (and if we considered tomatoes a vegetable, we could enter something artistic about them). OMG I had something to enter so I entered a clip I made that featured my cat, Digit and a tomato. To my surprise, I won.
I wish Judith would begin her contests again. They were fun to think about and read.
Here is my artsy award:
I began clicking on blog lists on each site I was reading and eventually I had found more of my people. Women who loved women and wrote about it, I was hooked on several sites and little by little, more fun blog reads were added. I am not sure if Pioneer Woman’s site lead me to Doc's Sunrise Rants or if I found Hahn at Homefirst but I love to read the everyday thoughts of these two women who are not afraid to speak their minds. I learned words like asshat and f*cktard from Doc. Even then, with my new vocabulary words I still did not start a blog. I was just about as depressed as one could get and reading the blogs was the highlight of my day.
Eventually I began reading BearsMountain. I remembered the struggle I had leaving my 14 year marriage and upsetting my son’s lives. I remembered how exciting my first relationship with a woman was. I was only 16, she was 17 and it was as if we found each other at the perfect times in our lives. Our relationship only lasted the summer between my junior and senior year (she went away to college) but I will never forget how much we needed each other that summer. We were both only children and we seemed to fill an emptiness that made us complete. More about this later…perhaps. It was a good summer.
Old Crone (BearsMountain) wrote something about how in real life she never had as many people that related to her as she did online. I could see from her comments that others were supporting her and the difficult decisions she is trying to make. I wish blogging were something that was available 40 years ago because I think it would have saved me a lot of pain, and just maybe, I would have been able to find more of my people. I felt so unsupported back then.
To be continued...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Whew....I am tired
I did not know the effect writing my previous post would have on me. It opened up a wound that I thought had healed a while back. Wrong. I had only addressed the surface feelings and now I have fallen into the deeper, letting go type of feelings. Somehow, these feel more real, more sadness less anger and panic. My mind has been reeling, and I have jumped from project to project. I am so overwhelmed I am having a hard time not just giving in to a long nap. I consciously resist napping several times throughout the day. I keep telling myself to stay busy and get my life in order. My normal level of procrastination is no longer working for me and I am pulled into the here and now where my past is crashing into my present and if I want my future to be less chaotic then I need to keep moving forward.
As I see it, being an only child has few benefits. I am sure some might think it a blessing not to be pestered by siblings, I will never know. I told my mother once that it was hell being an only child. She seemed shocked that I would have felt that way. She was a difficult person to please, very needy and it would have been nice to share the focus of her wrath occasionally. Even in the good times, I was on hyper-alert waiting for the other shoe to drop. I learned to hate my own name because of the way she screamed it.
When it comes to immediate family, my childhood frame of reference is quite small and included my grandma, mother and me. My grandmother and mother have both left this world so that just leaves me. I do have a few distant relatives out there but less than a handful of us are in occasional contact and then only via emails. Although I have a history of doing many things by myself, I really do enjoy the companionship of another person more than being alone or doing something by myself. I do have some dear lifelong friends and we see each other as often as our schedules permit, which is never enough. Great source of support for me but I still have way too much alone time on my hands. The care giving I do for Tess also makes my world seem a little smaller.
Where is this going? What am I trying to convey? What is the point? How do the three previous paragraphs connect? First, I wanted to empty my thoughts so when I get up from here and go back to my previous project I will be the tabula rasa, clear minded so I can learn as I go and not be hindered with my racing thoughts. Second, I have still been trying to please my mother even though she is dead. That crap stops now. Last, I got the bulk of my parent’s worldly possessions and I have been dealing with it for nearly 7 years, I am tired and I want my own life back. All the spinning in circles I feel like I am doing has to stop, I am forcing myself to get on a schedule to attend to all these projects.
Here is the good part. My mother collected a lot of fun and beautiful things and so I am enjoying going through and looking them, and although some of my memories are fond, I don’t want to hang onto all of her things. I only want to keep a few of the things I really like. My stepfather had some cool stuff too. Old stuff. Interesting stuff. Things that I just want to have as memories now. I keep asking my sons if they want any of their grandpa’s stuff, so far I am still in possession of it. It may not seem like it but alas, I have a plan. Back to the grind.
Rose
As I see it, being an only child has few benefits. I am sure some might think it a blessing not to be pestered by siblings, I will never know. I told my mother once that it was hell being an only child. She seemed shocked that I would have felt that way. She was a difficult person to please, very needy and it would have been nice to share the focus of her wrath occasionally. Even in the good times, I was on hyper-alert waiting for the other shoe to drop. I learned to hate my own name because of the way she screamed it.
When it comes to immediate family, my childhood frame of reference is quite small and included my grandma, mother and me. My grandmother and mother have both left this world so that just leaves me. I do have a few distant relatives out there but less than a handful of us are in occasional contact and then only via emails. Although I have a history of doing many things by myself, I really do enjoy the companionship of another person more than being alone or doing something by myself. I do have some dear lifelong friends and we see each other as often as our schedules permit, which is never enough. Great source of support for me but I still have way too much alone time on my hands. The care giving I do for Tess also makes my world seem a little smaller.
Where is this going? What am I trying to convey? What is the point? How do the three previous paragraphs connect? First, I wanted to empty my thoughts so when I get up from here and go back to my previous project I will be the tabula rasa, clear minded so I can learn as I go and not be hindered with my racing thoughts. Second, I have still been trying to please my mother even though she is dead. That crap stops now. Last, I got the bulk of my parent’s worldly possessions and I have been dealing with it for nearly 7 years, I am tired and I want my own life back. All the spinning in circles I feel like I am doing has to stop, I am forcing myself to get on a schedule to attend to all these projects.
Here is the good part. My mother collected a lot of fun and beautiful things and so I am enjoying going through and looking them, and although some of my memories are fond, I don’t want to hang onto all of her things. I only want to keep a few of the things I really like. My stepfather had some cool stuff too. Old stuff. Interesting stuff. Things that I just want to have as memories now. I keep asking my sons if they want any of their grandpa’s stuff, so far I am still in possession of it. It may not seem like it but alas, I have a plan. Back to the grind.
Rose
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
We're All Alone
I keep trying to get back to the blogging but real life has been exhausting lately. I had a two-day garage sale but this time it was not held at my house as I moved it to a friend’s house who has a better location less than a half a block from Wal-Mart’s. We did have a lot of traffic and sold a lot of the stuff but not everything. Ace, my youngest son, packed up all the good stuff that didn’t sell and as he is going to take it to his girlfriend’s house for one of their big yard sales.
I had pretty much decided that whatever stuff remained on Saturday afternoon I would donate and start fresh with more of my mother’s estate next time. Besides, I am always weeding though my stuff and getting rid of one thing or another. I had a full truck of donations on Saturday. I felt good not having to look at some of that stuff any longer. It was also sort of sad since I knew my mother collected a lot of it and it was just another way of letting go of the past.
I just got back from Costco, which is always a major production. If my dog wasn’t out of food I would have figured out a way to put the trip off. I finished putting the things away so now it is my time to relax before making dinner or helping Tess with something.
It is getting more difficult for me to watch Tess suffering. Listening to someone cry with physical pain is something I have not become accustomed and seriously doubt I ever will. It is the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced and with each passing day, I feel more and more discouraged. Tess tries so hard to do things on her own without needing my help and sometimes I get angry that she did something that was too difficult or too much for her. If she falls down I know our life as we know it will change and I am not ready for what all that may entail. I am not in any way ready to let go. One of her hips is necrotic; the hipbone is partially missing. With all the medical problems she has, they are not sure she would benefit from surgery in the end. Both hips and both knees are causing her problems; couple that with a collapsed lumbar spine and a degenerative cervical spine with osteoarthritis plus constant nausea….whew. (NOTE- if you are reading this please do not ask or comment with HAVE YOR TRIED this or that...rest assured we have and I am pretty sure we have tried things most have never heard or thought of) The betrayal of the body is the way I put it.
Tess was once an active person, but her decline over the past three years has been a slow but steady spiral downwards. When she was younger, she even danced professionally in summerstock musicals. To watch this person I love so much decline is almost more than I can do. I know she is tired and so am I. I feel like I am living my life for both of us. She only leaves the house to go to the doctor. She needs help with everything she does. The ironic thing is that I am not the caregiver type and she is not the kind that accepts being cared for easily and, if anything, she is still trying to take care of me. It is so weird to have been in this roll for so long now.
I need change the subject here. I don’t want to get all upset or depressed because I know that won’t help our situation at all. I sometimes escape by listening to songs on youtube. Here is one that Tess and I used to dance to and brings tears to my eyes now but in a good sort of way.
Sometimes when I hear this song I just want to go back in time and remain in that place where I had everything ahead of me. My Tess would hold me while I cried about how scared I was of letting go of my life as I knew it then. I was married to a great guy, I had two small children and I was in love with Tess. I had to stop pretending that I was straight. I had been pretending way too long already. Even though the fear of making life changing decisions scared the hell out of me there was a sense of total excitment about being all that I could be and living an honest life. I had to admit to myself I was a lesbian and I had to stop living a lie. In her arms I felt safe. I had new dreams and with Tess in my life I was well on my way to realizing them. That was in 1980 which seems like a lifetime ago in some ways and then sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
Once the stories told
It can’t help but grow old
Roses do
Lovers too
So cast your season’s to the wind
We’re All Alone…
I had pretty much decided that whatever stuff remained on Saturday afternoon I would donate and start fresh with more of my mother’s estate next time. Besides, I am always weeding though my stuff and getting rid of one thing or another. I had a full truck of donations on Saturday. I felt good not having to look at some of that stuff any longer. It was also sort of sad since I knew my mother collected a lot of it and it was just another way of letting go of the past.
I just got back from Costco, which is always a major production. If my dog wasn’t out of food I would have figured out a way to put the trip off. I finished putting the things away so now it is my time to relax before making dinner or helping Tess with something.
It is getting more difficult for me to watch Tess suffering. Listening to someone cry with physical pain is something I have not become accustomed and seriously doubt I ever will. It is the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced and with each passing day, I feel more and more discouraged. Tess tries so hard to do things on her own without needing my help and sometimes I get angry that she did something that was too difficult or too much for her. If she falls down I know our life as we know it will change and I am not ready for what all that may entail. I am not in any way ready to let go. One of her hips is necrotic; the hipbone is partially missing. With all the medical problems she has, they are not sure she would benefit from surgery in the end. Both hips and both knees are causing her problems; couple that with a collapsed lumbar spine and a degenerative cervical spine with osteoarthritis plus constant nausea….whew. (NOTE- if you are reading this please do not ask or comment with HAVE YOR TRIED this or that...rest assured we have and I am pretty sure we have tried things most have never heard or thought of) The betrayal of the body is the way I put it.
Tess was once an active person, but her decline over the past three years has been a slow but steady spiral downwards. When she was younger, she even danced professionally in summerstock musicals. To watch this person I love so much decline is almost more than I can do. I know she is tired and so am I. I feel like I am living my life for both of us. She only leaves the house to go to the doctor. She needs help with everything she does. The ironic thing is that I am not the caregiver type and she is not the kind that accepts being cared for easily and, if anything, she is still trying to take care of me. It is so weird to have been in this roll for so long now.
I need change the subject here. I don’t want to get all upset or depressed because I know that won’t help our situation at all. I sometimes escape by listening to songs on youtube. Here is one that Tess and I used to dance to and brings tears to my eyes now but in a good sort of way.
Sometimes when I hear this song I just want to go back in time and remain in that place where I had everything ahead of me. My Tess would hold me while I cried about how scared I was of letting go of my life as I knew it then. I was married to a great guy, I had two small children and I was in love with Tess. I had to stop pretending that I was straight. I had been pretending way too long already. Even though the fear of making life changing decisions scared the hell out of me there was a sense of total excitment about being all that I could be and living an honest life. I had to admit to myself I was a lesbian and I had to stop living a lie. In her arms I felt safe. I had new dreams and with Tess in my life I was well on my way to realizing them. That was in 1980 which seems like a lifetime ago in some ways and then sometimes it seems like just yesterday.
Once the stories told
It can’t help but grow old
Roses do
Lovers too
So cast your season’s to the wind
We’re All Alone…
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