Friday, December 5, 2008

Be Here Now

C 1980 I took Tess to a sold out lecture to hear Ram Dass speak about such things as harmony, love and life. He wrote the book, Be Here Now. That night was the beginning of Tess and my life together.

A couple of nights ago, there was an unusual amount of fear, sadness and pain hovering around in my house. The air was heavy.

Tess is having a lot more doctor’s appointments and they are very difficult for us to accomplish. Just getting ready for any appointment requires more physical exertion than Tess has. She is for the most part housebound. Getting her to and from the appointments causes a lot of wear and tear on both of us. The day after even a simple blood test is cause for increased pain. We are close to needing medical transport assistance. Believe me; I will use them when the time comes.

Anyway, it was the evening of a ‘doctor day’. As I looked over at Tess, I could see the pain in her eyes and the sadness in her face. Her mouth began to quiver and I just told her to come let me hold her. When you have been emotionally intimate with someone for over 25 years, you know when she cannot endure much more and I knew she could not take much more.

I told her I wanted her be safe in my arms and that I would meet her in bed. She could be vulnerable and let go of some of the fear she has been feeling. I would take care of her and she could feel protected.

I let Johnny out for a final yard call, closed up the house and I still beat Tess into the bedroom. As I waited for her, I was flooded with memories. We have been through so much in the past few years. I smiled. Meeting Tess in bed brought back wonderful memories. There was nowhere else in the world I would rather be that in bed with Tess even though, now all we mostly do is sleep there. There was always such love and safety in our bed.

She looked all hunched over as she sat on the side of the bed. My heart hurt for her, I could feel her sadness. I crawled across the bed and wrapped my arms and legs around her placing my head on her shoulder. She let go of a huge sob, and then another. “Oh, Rose, What is going to happen to me?” It was all I could do to keep my own tears in check. I knew her question was rhetorical, and I held her tightly and whispered softly, “Be here now.” Her body heaved and she cried hard, I could tell they were old tears. Those tears were long overdue and for the longest time, there was no need for either of us to speak. We held silently to the present we were completely absorbed by the NOW.

I found this after I wrote today. I cried my eyes out while I watched it. Just sharin'


Margo Moon said...

A hug for each of you.

Just carin'.

QueerRose said...

Feeling for you both QRx

cris said...

Strength and love to you both.

Hahn at Home said...

If that isn't a testament to what gay marriage is about, I don't know what is. So eloquently and lovingly put.